diary entry from 2024

a diary entry (continuation of my first heartbreak) from 2024.

January 26th 2024

“i saw him today. he was with his girlfriend. not quite shocking, just…disgusted. we locked eyes for a brief moment, i side eyed him and he looked at me with surprise.

yeah, because how do you explain to someone that of all places, you run into your ex in downtown montreal — where there are at least thousands of people. quite crazy, right?

i didn’t do shit after that. i kept my face steady, calm but i was internally burning and sweating like a pig. after 4 months of no contact, he was right across the street.

amanda (my friend) told me he looked back but i don’t know, i didn’t want to make it a big deal. after all, he’s the one who messed up real bad. but it would be a lie if i say that i didn’t feel something because i did. it wasn’t a spark, oh God no. it was mostly the hurting, the ache and the pain that were storming up my soul, once again. it was like a never ending story.

fuck. it hurts so much seeing him with her!

why?

like why?

i don’t understand…but nothing is a coincidence. i guess in some ways, I had to see him with her in order for me to move on. it wasn’t some “see, he’s there. you guys were fated” romantic fairy tale bullshit. it was reality and it slapped me in the face when i saw them holding hands together.

i hated her for a bit but then i cooled down. she’s just a girl in love and i can’t even blame her for that.

but she had something that i didn’t have : him. all i wanted was him, his blue warm eyes and his stupid smile.

i had to see him i guess. i’m honestly sad that i did actually. maybe it would’ve been better if we didn’t cross paths, but God decided otherwise.

he did me so dirty, he had no right to took away my pumping blood, my heart. a heart who had no desire of being broken into tiny little pieces. a heart who exploded of shame, guilt and self-hatred over the course of one single text answer. i gave everything while i received crumbs of his soul.

he took something and crushed it in between his fingers. i still think about that october 31st, when my heart dropped for the first time in years.

“are you seeing someone?”

“yeah”

that’s it. four letters who seemed little but yet created an echoing grief and void in my spirit.”

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just like Emma Morley (One Day), i don’t want to be a footnote in someone else’s life. a footnote is not even being the whole book, it’s just a tiny place that barely holds any memory for the reader. i want to be the memory, you know? maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s not, but when it comes to love…there’s no point of being someone’s maybe.

so just…love properly. there are no specific rules because loving is a feeling, but don’t be a dick about it.